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2.23.2012

Metal strings and changing things.

I've been thinking about the rhythm of things lately. Their bend and sway, the rhythm of life more specifically. I feel time stretch sometimes. At times I feel it rushes forward so fast, then it feels like the bending motion that happens when you take a taunt wire in your hands outstretched and slowly bring both ends to touch in the middle. That bending motion that seems to last forever, juxtaposed by the whiplash that occurs when you let go.

Tragic things have been happening to people in my periphery. My grandmother has been in the hospital for over a month now and I don't want to talk about it. I can't really. I'm worried. I love her. To a different topic- A good friend from my study abroad program in Chile just lost the man she was falling in love with. A surf accident. The pictures and videos and stories that are surfacing on her Facebook are heartbreaking. They were living in a blissful moment. One of those ebbs in life when everything is perfect. I hope that the ocean of support, love and kind words flowing over to Jackie help her cope with this moment. She's as bright as the sun and deserves the world. Flowers are still blooming.

Her loss and the other sad things that have happened to people I know lately have put into perspective the minutia that is what I consider to be "my problems." I don't have "problems." I have self-inflicted worry, concern, insecurities, anger, self-doubt...I have awkward situations that turn into bumps in my road. A road that I take such care to maintain smooth and perfect. I hate it when it's bumpy but I find that it only makes the down-hill ride more beautiful.

Change. Is so scary. I look back to little over a year ago and I was lounging on a beach with my best friends in Costa Rica without much of a worry in the world. I had a special moment there. It should be cherished along with all the other amazing memories I have stored away. Chile, Costa Rica, Argentina, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Washington,Washington Street, Oregon, Pyramid Lake, Spring Creek, Black Rock Desert, Montana, Peru, Reno. Mountains, Rivers, Lakes. These are the landmarks of my life where big beautiful experiences have happened. There are boundless opportunities for these experiences to KEEP happening.

Wishing that things "were just like the way they were" is such a waste of my time, but it has been my preoccupation. I brood on that idea, that theme. Wishing I could go back; but there is only the moving forward of life. The step in front of the other step. The dreams and goals that push us to the next level. Relationships are in a constant state of evolution, and if you think you've made it to the most perfect level of love and light and happiness with someone- be ready for a wave to change everything. For better or for worse these changes happen and we must grow, in love, to evolve with them.

The faces I have met in the five years of college have changed my life. They have enriched my soul and made me feel loved and wanted. There is nothing more deep and precious than that. Whenever I am sad I just have to think about my family then my friends and I am relieved to know that I know, quite possibly, the most amazing group of humans on the face of the Earth. Yeah, that's a stretch, but I'm creating my own universe these days- and that's how I see it.

There's two months left of college. When I say that out loud it freaks me out, so I'll just say it once and let time do the rest of the talking.
It's thrilling to think of the next big step.

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